Troubleshooting Transitions
So you're about to leave the park or it's time to wind down for bedtime or turn off the iPad and you start feeling that heaviness in the pit of your stomach... a transition is coming. You give your child a heads up, but alas, no matter how much you think you prepare them, they still meltdown.
Let's dissect what's going on during these moments and how you can navigate the tides of transitions with ease and confidence!
Addressing the facts AND feelings
Oftentimes, we remember to state the facts, but we forget to also focus on the feelings. Children, just like adults, like to feel seen and heard. They want the reality of their feelings validated. Imagine if your partner turns off the TV when the episode just starts to get good or if your boss pulls you into a meeting just as you're getting a good flow on your latest project. It's annoying! And for a child, they still don't have the executive functioning and emotion regulation skills fully developed to move through that frustration gracefully.
By addressing the difficulty of transitions and being a consistent guide for your child, you can get transitions moving more smoothly with time. This might not completely end all transition meltdowns and big feelings, but it's a step closer to helping them navigate them with ease.
Step 1: State the facts:
"In five minutes we are... turning off the iPad / leaving the park / putting away the legos."
Step 2: Acknowledge the feelings:
"I know you don't want to stop playing/watching your show, I can totally understand that! It's really hard to stop when you're having fun. And still, this is the plan! We'll finish up in five minutes."
Step 3: Move through the motions
"Ok, five minutes are up! Time to say goodbye to the playground / clean up / turn off the iPad."
AND - as the adult, you follow through. If they don't start, you help them get started with the transition.
Step 4: Set the boundary:
"I know you're upset. It's okay to feel upset but it's not okay to hit/scream/grab when it's time to clean up. How else can you show me that you're upset? Can you show me with your face or tell me when your words how you feel?"
The key here is your follow through. Stay true to your word and hold your limits firm. The more you follow this process, the more your child will internalize the sequence and expectations.
Tools for transitions
So you tried facts and feelings, you stayed true to your word and followed through, but your kiddo is still having a tough time transitioning. Don't fret, you're not the only one! Some kids just need other approaches, visual approaches. Try the following!
Visual Schedules:
Visual schedule - Check out the different ways you can use a visual schedule with a variety of templates and pre-made cards.
Weekly visual schedule- For kiddos having a tough time visualizing the flow of their week, use this schedule to give them a macro view of what's to come.
Routine cards- These are lovely routine cards made by Simone Davies for her Montessori Toddler book!
Visual Schedule for purchase - if you're in a time-pinch and don't want to customize or print-out a visual schedule, there are plenty of options online you can purchase!
Visual Timers:
Large visual timer- This is a great timer for "5 more minutes" that's big, easy to understand, and has a gentle beep at the end (you can turn the beep off)
Time tracker - This timer is great for self-management and structuring times of the day (30 minute play time, 5 minute warning, end of play time) with lights that kids love!
Sand timers - These are small, portable, and easy to use. Great for bathrooming or a visual on the go.
Your phone timer! - When you're in a pinch, use the "timer" on your phone! For added involvement, have your child "set" the timer for themselves and choose the tone for when the timer ends.
Using songs and games - Songs can be super effective, particularly because it becomes a novel way of getting information, and it's also soothing. Try singing your way out of the park next time or come up with a tune to for saying goodbye to a friend at the end of a playdate. For older kids, games such as beat the timer, play pretend, or I Spy.
"I wonder if you can finish getting dressed before the end of this song?"
"Do you think it will take you 30 or 40 seconds to put the legos away? I'll count!"
"Let's be dragons as we fly out of the park and into the car!"
"I Spy with my little eyes a waterbottle that needs to go in your backpack!"
Here are more tips from:
Child Mind Institute
Harkla Pediatric OT specialists
Remember:
- It's crucial that you stick to your word. The moment you allow your child to prolong the ending of a preferred activity, the more they feel it's okay to negotiate limits with you.
- It's okay for your child to feel upset! Your job as a parent or caregiver is not to keep them from feeling sad about the realities of life. Instead, your job is to help them work through those feelings.
- Be genuine when talking. Kids know, believe me. They can feel when you're approaching them with sincerity or when you're not taking it seriously.
- Be kind AND firm. This is the KEY to positive discipline. Using the right tone of voice (see previous point) can often be what makes or breaks these interactions. Set your boundaries with a firm and serious voice while still being kind and respectful. Likewise, acknowledge feelings with curiosity and openness while maintaining your limits.
- Give encouragement! Whether it's noticing their attempt, "You're working really hard to put all your stuffed animals away!" or when the job is completed, "Thank you for packing up your backpack so quickly!"- give some props where it's due! And remember... avoid saying "good job!"
