Why You Need to Stop Asking so Many Questions 

Written By Victoria Luzuriaga Bastidas

If you’ve ever found yourself standing at the front door, already ten minutes late for school drop-off, asking your child, “Are you ready to put on your shoes?” while staring at those bare little feet that seem determined to move nowhere fast, you’re not alone.  As adults, we ask questions because it feels softer, kinder, and more respectful. But here’s the thing: questions aren’t always the most effective way to communicate what’s actually non-negotiable. When we ask, we open the door for a “no,” and once that “no” comes (and trust me, it will), suddenly we’ve set ourselves up for a battle we never meant to start.

What's Happening in the Moment

Young children, those determined and willful beings, are wired to test limits. This isn’t defiance. It’s healthy, necessary brain development. They are building autonomy, experimenting with power, and trying to make sense of a world where rules are still very new. So when you ask, “Are you ready to brush your teeth?” their developing brain doesn’t hear, “This is happening no matter what.” What they hear is, “Oh, I have a choice? Then, no thank you.” And with that, the evening routine is off track, your patience is wearing thin, and bedtime feels like a mountain you’re climbing barefoot.

The shift here is small but mighty. Instead of turning non-negotiables into questions, we offer them as clear, confident statements. “It’s time to brush your teeth.” “Shoes on! It’s time to go.” “We’re leaving the park now.” These words don’t make you bossy. They make you clear. And clarity is a gift. Children need the steady hand of someone who knows the plan. Imagine being three years old, living in a world where so much is out of your control, and then having the very people who guide your days present everything like it’s up for debate. It's going to feel confusing!

The Power of Options

Now, of course, clarity doesn’t erase pushback. That’s where the two-option tool comes in. Options let your child hold a piece of power without running the whole show. “It’s time for shoes. Do you want the red sneakers or the blue sneakers?” “We’re leaving the playground. Do you want to skip to the car or hop like a bunny?” “Snack time! Do you want apples or carrots?” The boundary stays firm: we’re putting on shoes, we’re leaving the playground, we’re eating a snack, but your child gets to flex their independence in how it happens. This small slice of agency often goes a long way in smoothing out transitions, and it nurtures the sense of capability they are so hungry to grow.

The key here is to make sure those options are actually feasible. You don't want to throw yourself back into the power struggle whirlwind by offering something that's not going to lead to your end goal. This takes some thought and creativity, but once you get into the habit, it will come naturally to you.

Now, what if there really is no "option"? Let's say your child is refusing to turn off their Yoto player before bedtime. You don't see any other option besides just giving up the Yoto so they can go to bed. Here, you can always use the "you can ___ or I can ____" pattern. This works best when it's a firm limit with not much room for options. For example, "You can turn the Yoto off and put it away or I can do it for you." This gives them the opportunity to still have an option even if it's just deciding who will do it.

"No" is Not a Bad Word

And then there’s that word many of us avoid: no. We worry that “no” will crush our child’s spirit, or that hearing it will unleash tantrums we’d rather not weather. But here’s the truth: “no” is not a bad word. It’s a boundary. And boundaries build resilience. Saying "no" helps our children learn flexibility. It gives them practice in tolerating disappointment, an essential life skill. When we avoid no, when we bend and fold to keep them happy, we create an illusion that the world will adjust to their desires. And that illusion is short-lived, because life will not always say yes. 

Building that tolerance to frustration and disappointment takes time, but it's essential. It's a key part of negotiations, consent, and knowing how to move forward, which is such an important foundation to begin to build in these early years. 

Saying "No" in Different Ways

But there is good news! When it comes to saying "no," you don't always "need to say it". Let me explain! It can feel really frustrating to hear "no" multiple times a day. It's totally valid to want to throw a fit after hearing it all day long. But it doesn't have to be that way! The great thing is that we can say "no" is so many different ways. 

Instead of saying, "No, you can't have ice cream right now." You can say, "I love ice cream too! We can have one scoop AFTER dinner tonight." 

Instead of saying, "No, you can't have a playdate with your friend after school today. We're busy this afternoon." You can say, "It would be lovely to hang out with your friend! How about we look at our calendar at home for when we're available and come up with some activities for the playdate!" 

Instead of saying, "No more books! You need to go to bed now." You can say, "I know you really want to read that one! I'll put it on the kitchen table for us to look at the pictures during breakfast tomorrow morning." 

Instead of saying, "No, we can't buy that toy. We're here to get some groceries." You can say, "That looks neat! Let's put it on your wishlist for holiday presents this year!" 

Simply providing insight into the potential opportunities for their wishes gives them the understanding that while it can't happen immediately, there are always alternatives. Their cognitive capacity isn't there yet which means it's in our hands to help them understand all the many ways we can turn a frustrating situation into a hopeful one. 

Staying Kind and Firm

Even when we give them an alternative approach without saying no, it's completely normal (and expected) that big feelings may come up. I'm here to reassure you, it's okay! It's part of their learning to also deal with those big feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anger. 

So how do we handle the storm? First, we name what they’re feeling. “You’re so sad we can't buy that toy right now. You really love it.” “You really wanted the ice cream right now. That makes you mad.” Acknowledging their feelings does not mean we give in. It means we see them. And children who feel seen are better able to navigate hard moments, even when they don’t like them. 

Next, we hold the boundary with kindness but firmness. “It’s time to go home for dinner. We’ll come back another day.” “The answer is no. I won’t change my mind.” And then, this is the hardest part: we stay calm while they unravel. Big feelings aren’t emergencies. They do not need to be stopped. They are simply part of the process. Our steadiness is their anchor.

It helps to have a few phrases in your pocket when the pressure rises: “I won’t change my mind, but I understand how upset you feel.” “You can be mad. My job is to keep you safe, and we’re leaving now.” “The answer is no. I know that’s not what you wanted.” “It’s hard when you don’t get what you want. I’m right here while you feel sad.” Notice how none of these apologize for the boundary, but they also don’t dismiss the emotion. They create space for both: the firmness of no and the softness of empathy.

Holding steady in the face of pushback, offering clarity instead of questions, saying no without shame—is not always easy. It takes patience, self-regulation, and the willingness to be the sturdy oak when your child feels like a storm. But every time you manage it, you are planting seeds. Each loving but firm no helps your child grow into someone who can hear life’s no’s without breaking, who can adapt when things don’t go their way, who can regulate their feelings and keep moving forward. Pushback is not failure. Tears are not a sign you’ve done something wrong. They are evidence that your child is practicing the very skills they’ll need to thrive in a world that is not always going to go their way.

So the next time you catch yourself asking, “Do you want to put on your shoes?” pause. Take a breath. And instead, say with gentle conviction, “It’s time for shoes.” You’re not being unkind. You’re giving your child the gift of clarity, the safety of boundaries, and the strength to face the real world. And that, truly, is a gift that will carry them far.

Resources for Going Deeper

Victoria Luzuriaga Bastidas
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