Being Emotionally Regulated is NOT the Same as Being Calm.

As parents and caregivers, it’s tempting to think of our child’s calm moments as victories. After all, who doesn’t want a quiet, tantrum-free grocery trip? But there’s a big difference between being calm and truly regulating emotions. In fact, confusing the two can actually hold back your child’s emotional development. Let’s explore what emotion regulation really is, why it’s not the same as being calm, and how you can help your little one build this vital skill.

What Is Emotion Regulation?

Emotion regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a way that is appropriate for the situation. It doesn’t mean not feeling emotions or shutting them down—it’s about noticing feelings, understanding them, and learning what to do with them.

For example, a preschooler might feel frustrated because their block tower fell down. Emotion regulation helps them pause, take a breath (or maybe cry for a bit), and try again instead of throwing blocks across the room.

According to Dr. Susan David, a psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, emotion regulation is about recognizing emotions as temporary and choosing a thoughtful response, rather than reacting impulsively. It’s a skill that develops over time with practice and support.

What Does Being Calm Mean?

Being calm, on the other hand, is simply a state of low emotional arousal. It’s when your child isn’t upset, excited, or overwhelmed. Calmness can be a result of regulation (like when your child soothes themselves after feeling upset), but it can also just mean the storm hasn’t rolled in yet.

Think of calm as the surface of the ocean: smooth and glassy. But beneath, the water can still be moving. Emotion regulation is more like learning to swim—it’s what allows your child to navigate those deeper waters when waves come crashing.

Why People Confuse Calm with Regulation

Here’s where the misconception creeps in: when we see a calm child, we assume they’ve regulated their emotions. But sometimes, they’ve just suppressed their feelings or distracted themselves without actually processing what’s going on.

Contemporary research shows that forcing children to “calm down” can actually interfere with their ability to learn emotion regulation. Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical psychologist and author of The Explosive Child, emphasizes that when we focus on compliance or quietness, we risk missing opportunities to help children understand and work through their emotions.

The Purpose of Emotion Regulation

The goal of emotion regulation isn’t to avoid emotions—it’s to navigate them effectively. Emotions serve important purposes:

• Anger alerts us to boundaries being crossed.

• Fear keeps us safe.

• Sadness helps us process loss and seek comfort.

Regulation helps children learn what these emotions are telling them and how to respond in healthy ways. For example, instead of hitting when they’re mad, they might use words like “I don’t like that!” or take a break to cool off. Over time, this builds resilience and social skills.

How Emotion Regulation Develops

Emotion regulation isn’t something kids are born knowing how to do—it’s a developmental process that begins in infancy and continues well into adulthood. Early childhood is a critical time for this skill to develop, as the brain’s prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for self-control and decision-making) is still maturing.

Research from Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on emotional intelligence, highlights that emotion coaching from caregivers is one of the most powerful tools for teaching regulation. When parents acknowledge and validate their child’s feelings instead of dismissing them, kids feel safe to explore their emotions and learn to manage them.

How Families Can Support Emotion Regulation

The good news? You don’t need to be a child psychologist to support your child’s emotional growth. Here are some playful and practical ways to help:

1. Name It to Tame It: Help your child identify their feelings. Use simple phrases like, “You look frustrated because the toy isn’t working” or “It seems like you’re feeling sad because we’re leaving the park.” Naming emotions reduces their intensity and helps kids understand what they’re experiencing.

2. Be the Calm in Their Storm: Your calm presence teaches kids how to regulate. When they’re upset, stay nearby, speak softly, and offer a hug or soothing words. Your steady energy helps them co-regulate before they can self-regulate.

3. Practice Problem-Solving: Once the big emotions settle, guide your child in finding solutions. “The tower fell—should we build it stronger this time?” or “You’re mad that your turn ended—how about we set a timer for the next one?”

4. Read and Role-Play: Use books and pretend play to practice navigating emotions. Stories like The Color Monster or When Sophie Gets Angry—Really, Really Angry are great starting points.

5. Model Emotional Awareness: Share your feelings in age-appropriate ways. For example, say, “I’m feeling frustrated because I spilled my coffee, but I’m taking deep breaths to feel better.” Kids learn by watching you!

Why Emotion Regulation Matters

Supporting emotion regulation early on isn’t just about avoiding meltdowns (though that’s a nice bonus!). It’s about equipping your child with lifelong skills like resilience, empathy, and effective communication.

Children who learn to regulate emotions are better prepared for challenges, build stronger relationships, and develop greater self-confidence. Most importantly, they learn that emotions—even the big, messy ones—are okay.

So the next time your toddler is mid-tantrum or your preschooler is yelling “No!” for the fifteenth time today, remember: it’s not about getting them to calm down right away. It’s about guiding them through the waves, helping them understand their feelings, and building the skills they’ll use for a lifetime.

Parenting is messy, just like emotions. But with patience, connection, and practice, you’re helping your child learn one of life’s most important lessons: how to feel it all—and navigate it, too.